Wednesday, December 31, 2003

installing visual studio 6.0 enterprise edition right now. i'd be installing visual studio .net, but i just don't have it.

that story about how nick & jaime met john bliss just seems like further evidence that there is no such thing as coincidence.

i spent some time tonight at gary howlett's place teaching him a little bit o' stuff on the bass guitar. i hope he's really dedicated to learning, seriously... he spent his rent money on it! today i showed him the major scale and some practices that he can do to improve his dexterity and whatnot. that should be enough for a while.

tomorrow, or rather today as it is 3:18am, i need to make some calls and drive to grand forks. i seriously need to find a place to live before the year ends... that gives me one day, hooray!

i must force myself to sleep now.


Saturday, December 27, 2003

i need to work on different syncopations for singing & playing guitar. singing is easy with some strumming patterns, very difficult with others (and especially difficult with picking patterns).

i can hear a police siren right now. i think it's a safe bet that they aren't coming to get *me*, as the only thing i've done wrong is piracy. oh crap, did i just say that out loud?!?! i'm a dead man!

someone recommended that i check out "the postal service", so i looked... i couldn't find any mp3s through the usual sources, so i asked a guy i knew online and he hooked me up in a matter of minutes. it's really good stuff, check out the postal service - give up. very good album. i very well may buy it, it's just that good... otherwise i'll feel obligated to delete it.

where is the child?


Thursday, December 25, 2003

it's the 25th of december.

nick & jaime are coming up friday, and should be here until monday. that might prove to be pretty cool, as long as they don't argue a lot.

i've decided to just get the cheapest livable place i can get in grand forks. i figures:

1) i will only sleep there
2) i don't take up a lot of space, so space isn't an issue
3) i need all the spare cash i can muster
4) rainbows are just light refracting through moisture in the air
5) tuesdays are good days, but no days are better

if YOU can't stand up to the big guy at the mall, who will? WHO WILL? if he can do it, i'll push you in the mud, too.


(as in: "you sass that hoopy sin613? now there's a frood who really knows where his towel is!")

if you don't understand, i cannot help you.

Friday, December 19, 2003

waterdeep - you are so good to me

waterdeep leaves me with this... clean feeling.

right now, i'm in about $4,700 worth of debt... it really makes me feel like i'm sunk into the ground and can't get out. and then there's apartment hunting. nothing like knowing that moving into a new apartment will just slow down the rate at which you repay your debt. on the one hand, i wish i would have never had to sleep on the couch to begin with. on the other hand, i don't want to sleep anywhere that costs me money right now.

oh well. tomorrow i might visit two 8-plexes. rent is around $350-$370, not too shabby. heat/electrical will likely be another $50/month, which is no problem.

i found myself praying about my financial standing a couple nights ago, just frustrated about how long this is going to take and such... the next day, lance writes me a check for $4,000 so he can stay in a lower tax bracket. yes, i think the guy upstairs listens.

follow my eyes home
further further further i'm falling out
stars are staring down upon us
so now, for you i'll shine

tomorrow is friday. apart from possibly visitting those two 8-plexes, there really isn't much else to do. if i can get up early i'll record a little. the above lyric already has a musical home, which is the rads.

fixed a small mistake in the css for the powerbox site that was forcing serif fonts instead of sans-serif. it looks much better right now. MUCH better.


Sunday, December 14, 2003

regret attemps to set in. not this time, sorry. i refuse to regret it.

the powerbox site is soooo almost live. i can almost taste it. tomorrow i need to double-check the website to see if the trademarks are still available... it seems likely. we will see.

called mickey today just to get it all sorted out. seems to be sorted. seems she's cool with it.

so now what? waiting, i guess.


Saturday, December 13, 2003

delays delays delays. the powerbox site still isn't fully live. closer than before, though. just seems i can't find the time to get everything editted to my liking.

meine Träume frequentieren mich

had a funky dream involving people leaning on me and the holding of hands. soothing. but a pleasant dream only serves to remind me that life outside of said dream is inferior. oh, my dear dreams... how i miss you.

i've pitched a second song to the band, this one is mostly in 5/8 with a reaaaally spazzy bit in 4/4 with insane triplets. i'm loving it.

i finally got around to giving mozilla thunderbird the test (mozilla has been my default browser for a while, and i just loooove firebird) and i gotta say... it's got a ways to go. the UI isn't intuitive at all, not one single bit. however, the bayesian mail filtering didn't take long to train (at least, not with my volume of spam) and it looks like this thing is catching most of the spam i receive. nice.

oh mickey you're so fine, you're so fine you blow my mind!


Wednesday, December 03, 2003

working on the powerbox website. should be ready to go live in a couple days.

getting borders to line up is a pain in the butt. css is rather nice, but i still see limitation problems... for instance, let's say i want a div to be 95% of the available width, aligned to the left. now let's say i want to put a div beneath it... and make sure the borders line up. i can't just say "okay, align this second div to the right, *minus* 5%" to get things to match up. hence, pain in the butt.

briefly talked with drea tonight. i've got a possible stint of depression, i need to find my way out of this fast. i'm attempting to be productive. mom is onto it, but i keep denying it. i just don't want to have a "feelings" conversation with either of my parents, if you catch my drift.

i'm finding myself up and down in my attitude towards lance. it's difficult. i'm super pissed about him kicking me out and everything else surrounding that situation, but then i'm cool with it. i'm poor at coping, maybe that's the root of the problem.


Saturday, November 29, 2003

it has been really difficult to keep up with this blogging bit since i was asked to move out... primarilly, it's just because i don't always have a computer sitting right next to my bed. also, it's because i just don't enough will to do anything as of late.

we went to the 'black friday' sale at best buy friday morning. it was pretty insane. our friend josh was in line at 3:15am (at the very front!) and we arrived around 3:45. it was cold beyond coldness. i don't think i will ever do that again.

all i bought for myself was the simpsons season 1 dvd ($11.99 plus tax), but i used gift cards to buy josh a radeon 9600 and johan the maxtor 120gb hdd. i think they both intend to resell them. should be some decent cash there.

i need to get the powerbox site ready. we've had the domain for too long, i really need to get the ball rolling.

mickey has not responded in a couple weeks. conversation is shallow. moving along seems likely. there was a cute girl with a white fuzzy hat at best buy, she kept looking at me. in a non-bad way.


Saturday, November 15, 2003

i'll have you know this: i can dance like no other. seriously. majorly seriously. serious like there's no tomorrow serious. maybe this is where my appreciation for dance comes from. or maybe i just like dance because think some dancers are very attractive. the world is full of uncertainties.

i recorded a song yesterday. it is very demo-y, but i still enjoy it (for once). this is the first time i've kept something around after recording it, which is a good start. i've shared it with a couple people, and they say they like it... i have my reservations, as i think most people are afraid to be brutally honest. however, i'm still running with it. i have stuff i want to add to this song... so piece by piece, it will become a masterpiece! oh wait... what are pieces made of? what is a masterpiece made of? particles? bits? well, whatever they are, those things will come together to form a larger thing, which will hopefully be quite splendid. and grand.

speaking of "grand" and "splendid", the phrase "fantastic sex" is rather hilarious. just say it. with an accent. "yes, i missed your phone call... i was too busy having FANTASTIC SEX!"

so i'm in love again, but the important part is who with. i'm in love with Christ, and yes i know it sounds stupid. that's not going to stop me. i just cannot deny that there is nothing more important than loving God and growing closer to him. now, i don't endorse pop-culture Christianity... i downright despise it. there are vital portions to Christian living that 'Christians' miss on a daily basis (caring for orphans, widows, homeless, etc... generally, SHOWING COMPASSION) in favor of living a 'happy life' or somesuch non-Biblical bogusness. so, i am in love with Christ, and it is compelling me.

there has been a gap in my learning of the German language... not a good thing. tomorrow is mostly a free day, i think i will take advantage of the time to do some major catch-up in my German (and probably e-mail mickey some questions as i go...)

that's about it, for now. still have much further to go, much more to do.


Thursday, November 13, 2003

do you love me with an enduring love
do you miss me as much as i miss you

i feel as if i'm missing some vital portion
the bit that makes me happy like the day we first met
that part that should carry me on wings like being carried in arms
but now i understand, i'm not missing anything at all
the sadness, the loneliness, all of these indications
i'm still waiting, and nothing has taken your place

rest now child
the night is drawing near
we have much further to go
and we have much more to do

Saturday, October 25, 2003

hoping for e-mail from mickey tonight.

tracy will be at church tomorrow, likely. as will her fiancé, russ. i'm drumming. i tuned the kit today, or rather tried. i think it's tuned.

josh seems to be angry at me. i can't figure out why, exactly.

this weekend is so far from over, it almost hurts. i wish time could pass much faster. much, much faster. i'm figuring i'll be working for another 7 months before i'm out of debt. of course, that number will decrease if i pick up extra work... but i'm worried about getting burnt out. i've finally sat down and figured out all my finances, that really sobers a guy up to reality. all in one fell swoop, i'm concerned about eliminating my debt, saving for dowry, AND figuring out whether i'll save to buy a house or have one built.

talked to darick alexander last night, he's at san antonio air force base or somesuch for training to be a fire fighter. he's been going through some rough times, but he sounds like he's pulling through in a really amazing way. it sounds retarded, but i'm really proud of him and glad to be his friend. we had a long conversation. a really long conversation. it was great stuff.

thinking about it, i would opt for more brokeness if it meant more growth. yeah, i'd trade clinging to my pride in for clinging to Christ.

i need more iced tea... and then, back to work for me. i began digitizing my parallel transcription of the gospels thursday. this will take a while, but probably not as long as writing out long-hand was taking.


Wednesday, October 22, 2003

saying nothing is the same as lieing.


Tuesday, October 21, 2003

got e-mail from mickey shortly after my last post. she was just as confused about what i was asking as i was confused leading to the asking. odd.

it was her birthday on sunday, i called around 8:30, but she was out for her birthday party. i called at 9:30 and got her, talked for about 5 minutes. just wanted to wish her a happy birthday and such.

Mein Deutsch ist sehr schlecht. my spelling is horrible, all in all i'm just disappointed with my current level of knowledge given the time i've had to study. i've missed 5 days of german class since i last went. time to get on the ball, i've got to force myself to go tomorrow... not that i dislike going, it's just been difficult for me to make it as of late.

speaking of difficulties, my back was giving me problems sunday night and monday. suck. i'm 22, i shouldn't have to worry about my back.

reflection contrition
we saw the state of ourselves
and we saw the state of approval
and the gap between
we saw the wings to fly on
but we could not see it all
and we could not see at all
ourselves blind
ourselves we bind
reflection contrition
through swelled eyes we will not see
this is not
this will not
this is not the means
flowing from me is flowing free
reflection contrition
with swelled eyes i cannot see
but to know there are eyes
looking down upon this
this is my need
to see without seeing
to see set free

good night.


Saturday, October 18, 2003


so, my trip to montana last weekend. i'm sure you're wondering. i left at 4am, arrived at 7:30 (6:30 mountain time).

along the way, here's what came to me... seemingly, God really just can't win with man. He creates one thing to make one man happy, and it makes a second man sad. to complicate matters, the joy God brings to the first man may not even be credited to him, so what's the use? without fail, the sun will rise, and without fail man will say "nature". so, God must not be a joyous God, he must be rather sad. and to make it worse, His 'bride', His church... what an ugly bride it seems to be, but the only one that would love Him in return. such a beautiful Christ, why not a more beautiful bride? yes, God must be a sad God.

i pretty much didn't talk to mickey all weekend... i really picked up the impression that she didn't have any desire to talk to me. we had one discussion friday night about native americans, and i tried to explain how reservations work... touched briefly on ministry to native americans. sunday night, before she went to bed, she came down to where jason and i were to let us know it would be our last chance to say goodbye before she headed to bed. it was a rather nice feeling, her standing between us, with her arm around my back and my arm around her shoulder. i pulled her aside to tell her i was sorry for not having talked to her much all weekend, and explained my impression. she assured me that was not the case at all, and she would've talked with me more had she not been so busy (those SoDers... sooo very busy, and i'm not even joking), and then she threw the curve ball... "you don't know how much i think of you."

what is that supposed to mean? to confuse me further, she stared straight into my eyes for what seemed like eternity... but was probably more like 30 seconds. should i think she likes me? should i think she's just trying to send a strong message to a friend that he "just had the wrong impression"? i feel like i should be intelligent enough to not be stumped by this... but that's just not the case.

so what do i do? i e-mail her once i get home, asking her to demystify the situation so i don't get any wrong ideas. what a sucker i am. no response yet. she told me she loves getting e-mail, so i would hope she'd respond within the week. no response by sunday, and i think i may have reason to begin panicking.

i ended up leaving the base monday morning around 8. i got home around 11:30 (12:30 central standard time), so my return trip was about the same length. already back in the swing of work, but i missed my german classes all week. i need to do some serious catching up this weekend. we'll see how it goes. i may end up calling the base to talk to mickey if this german stuff confuses me. that would be a valid reason, i think. i hope.

confusion perversion


Wednesday, October 15, 2003

ten days, sorry. i took a trip to montana to visit some of the friends i made during dts. it was a blast, and i learned a lot about the church as the bride of Christ on the way there... funny how that works.

i don't have time to write details right now, but i will at least say this until that time comes... mickey confuses me, but hopefully everything will be cleared up within the week. also, i was praying on my way home and for about an hour i didn't understand a single word i said... but it was pretty awesome.

jason gave me a cd with some great music on it, check out kevin prosch when you've got the time.


Sunday, October 05, 2003

sent out a prayer for our brothers and sisters in the Catholic church today, that the shortage of priests would end. all this just because i attended Catholic mass with dusty.

rocking out to dj shadow right now, i love this cd. i think it's been almost a year since i bought it...

after church, my mom and i drove off to itasca state park for lunch at douglas lodge (today was their last day open for the season) and got there just in time. we walked for a while, then i went back to the car to study german as she continued walking. when she got back, we were both surprised to find that the only other people parked in the parking lot were none other than gary and bonnie gilbertson, and jan jensen and a woman from kenya were with them. quite the coincidence!

bonnie showed us pictures (as always) of all their kids (my friends, of course). i guess dan is living in montana, so i got his number so i can call him up before i head out there this friday. sarah has become quite the good looking young lady. saw pictures of ben's wife for the first time, a nice "couple" shot with ben & nate plus wives. pretty groovy.

anyhow... i'm excited for friday. i wonder what time i'll get there? i'll be sure to get good sleep. my stomach was almost knotting up just because of mickey. i don't know what to think or expect. it's scary.


Friday, October 03, 2003

it has been many moons, but i have an excuse. saturday evening, lance kicked me out of the house. yes, you heard me right. just handed me a letter (yes, a letter) saying he wanted me to move out. now.

so, i moved, and i've been busy as heck getting my bearings and landing on my feet. the work situation as far as work with lance goes will be iffy until i can get a feel for what the heck is actually going on. nobody (namely dusty) will talk about what's going on, even though they know it. i'm especially surprised that dusty won't, which leads me to believe that he knew what was coming. if this surprised him, he would definitely be talking with me about it. i joked about what i would do know regarding the biking situation, since we biked almost every night and i enjoyed that... he seemed more interested in letting the topic slide then joking it up with me.

admittedly, the whole situation confuses me. a letter? of all things, a letter telling me to move out. a letter. somehow, he avoided ever mentioning having a problem, and then resorts to a letter telling me to move out instead of addressing me directly to my face. who am i to question his authority, right? it's not like i can hold him to the fact that he promised never to do anything like that as a condition to my moving in. after all, that's only a 'verbal contract', something that only has worth to people that are friends, right?

i'm slightly bitter, because moving was such a pain in the butt inconvenience. and because this whole thing is really retarded. sigh, all will be clear within the coming weeks.

for now, i'm back on the couch at my parent's house. nick johnson has offered for me to move in with him, rent would be $180/month. maybe, just maybe... but maybe not, as well. that's an extra $180/month i can use to eliminate my debt, right? i'm anxious to get back into a financial standing that allows me plenty of freedom. i would like to get to work setting up my studio, i would like to focus on powerbox, and there are countless other things that really do require me to be out of debt before i can tackle them. (ie - i cannot tackle women until i am out of debt, right?)

we know what we do
we know why we've come to do it
we know who it hurts
but knowledge never serves, it steals


Saturday, September 27, 2003

had a good talk with russ about the german situation. he always puts things into perspective quite well, i'm very thankful for a friend like him.

i'll be going back to montana from october 11th-13th. it will be interesting... jason, anne, drea, nate, and enoch will be visitting. russ, lisa, trish, ryan, de wet, micah, mickey, anne desario, anna banana, etc, are already on base for either staff or as students in the various other schools. with any luck, i'll be able to bring a guitar out and jason and i can rock out.

in the last 5 days, living with lance has been rather smooth. i've been able to get a lot of work done, which is one great thing. he left earlier today (friday) for his brother's birthday, and won't be back until tomorrow. i think i might actually be missing his company, although it's always nice to have some time with BOTH of the other guys gone from this house.

no profound thoughts lately... i almost had one regarding abortion, but it turned out to be nothing. how's that for allusion?

a thought for all Christians... God tells Samuel after the people demand a king, "it's me they are rejecting, not you." so tell me, Christian brothers and sisters, knowing full well that choosing a 'king' is denying God, who should we vote for in 2004?


Sunday, September 21, 2003

i'm definitely not through my re-entry adjustment yet. being back is... i want to be in montana with everyone else, at the very least. india would be best. anywhere but here would be best.

this whole house thing just seems to not be working out. lance's toes seemingly stick out everywhere, and are impossible to not step on. i'm trying to avoid arguments with him at all cost, but it seems like he won't give up. so, i guess i'm through watching movies, through playing poker, through doing anything that involves "his" crap, in fact i think i'll stick with doing listings on my computer, and not the work machine he set up for me. i cannot stand his behavior, and i see no reason to lock myself into situations where i have to endure it.

catholic mass today was rather interesting. i haven't been to a catholic church in quite a while, maybe since i was 14 or so. the priest was well worth listening to, and the best i can reduce and condense what he had to say is... "forgive my trespasses, as i forgive those who trespass against me." this is a big conviction, as i would *like* to hope that everyone around me sees how enduring i am towards an asshole-ish lance and they would grow to hate him... but in my walk with Christ, i can't exactly let that stand. i've got to forgive this person who routinely pisses me off, and endure through it all hoping he will change.

so, now what can i do? i guess as soon as i spot something shitty coming around the bend, i need to stop my mind mid-cycle and tell lance "i don't want to deal with this or you right now, i can either do something else or do nothing at all" it seriously pissed me off today when he was all like "you know, i don't want you to work right now." i hadn't even STARTED working, i was looking over an item. i had told him repeatedly, "I AM NOT WORKING YET." one thing i hate is being told to stop doing something i'm NOT DOING.

oh God... i just don't want to deal with this, but i have to don't i? that being the case, you know what i need... please show me the way.


Saturday, September 20, 2003

i get the feeling that you're trying to push me down
but down is strong and i come right back around
falling for freeing is wanted is needed
falling for freeing is hoped for is leading

better to crack on the surface than be crushed by the bottom still searching for something but now it is plain to see hate and love have one thing in common both are attacks in pure form on the other
tied multiple riffs together and came out with the music for three songs today. i'm feeling prolific. now, the words. those can be a bit more tricky! maybe i could hammer something out "job project" style, but i'm also feeling i should save all of that for when chad and i have some time to work all of that out together. we will see. whatever comes to me, i guess.

i won an amd shirt at amd's area 64 website. it's supposed to have the logo embroidered on the shirt or something, i'm hoping it's a polo shirt since i don't have one. if not, oh well.

gary swung by and treated me to mcdonalds, what a nice guy. i went on and on about socialism/communism and anarchy. i think i may have annoyed him.


Thursday, September 18, 2003

i dislike the republican party.

i dislike the democratic party.

i dislike capitalism.

i feel all people should be treated equally. i believe i should help people, and it should not be unreasonable to expect help in return.

the problem is that most of america disagrees with my views, and express their love for capitalism. "this capitalist society has landed me in the middle class, and i enjoy the comfort". guess what? you're actually "lower-middle class", and the people above you have exploited the rest of the populace to theri advantage. you could only benefit from socialism/communism.

to rant even further, the odea of socialism and communism is the closest we can get to a biblically approved government. Christians everywhere should be scurrying to back CPUSA, not GWB or some bible-smashing candidate. but no, Christians the whole US over will do what their pastor preaches.

fine by me. you want to live in this lousy world?


sorry i haven't posted lately...

Thursday, September 11, 2003

just logged into blogger, and i can't help but notice that a bunch of new features are available. turns out that most of the features from blogger pro are now *free*, which is good for all. if you do not have a blog, start blogging already!

de wet will arrive tomorrow sometime around 6pm. i will remind him that he is the law, and we will have continuous fun for more than a few hours solid.

scott showed up and coughed up $85 he's owed for about a year. great fellow! i've been in a financial crisis lately (reference my transmission replacement), and this helps. greatly. i should be able to pay my cell phone bill now! but i've already blown almost $9 of it... on chinese food, no less. however, it was eating out with scott, so i will forgive myself. we had a rather good discussion about Christians in the workplace, and their obligation... and drawing a distinction between business and ministry, etc.

perhaps i am girl crazy. 22 and girl crazy. fell in love at 24.


Tuesday, September 09, 2003

oh yeah, and another dream... this one wasn't set to any music, though.

dreams, they are so odd. through them, this virgin has come to the decision that hugging and holding hands are more powerfully intimate than the act of sex itself. odd, so odd.

a dream comprised almost entirely of a girl who only wants to hold my hand. soothing.

God bless America because we deserve it
God bless everyone because they've all earned it

i'm sicked by the tossing around of the phrase "God bless", utterly sickened. this is a phrase i used to use quite often, myself. it is most definitely *not* a conversation closer, and should never be used as such. it is a prayer, and all prayers should be weighed before spoken. there is no little weight to these words.

God may bless some Americans... but am i so brave as to ask him to bless every deceitful politician, every backstabbing criminal, every lieing/murdering/cheating/stealing soul in this country? no! am i so brave as to ask God to bless a person i barely even know? this is uncertain grounds to be walking upon. i have no inhibition to asking God to bless someone who aids the poor, or fulfills some position of ministry... but to ask Him to bless *everyone*?

granted, God can and will bless as He sees fit. He doesn't need my permission, doesn't need me to condone a single blessing... but i refuse to walk around proclaiming blessing upon every single living thing in this world.

just a rant, i do apologize.

but onward to the subject of submission to authority... if we are so brave as to teach moral government theory, how can we condone ousting a political leader in another country? the foundations of MGT declare that said leader is in power by God's will, so who are we to interfere with God's decision? MGT immediately crumbles, and it becomes clear that anyone who has the power to topple another power is evidently allowed to.

a Christian leader, a delicate position. a precarious political office. how can we show love, a hate towards all hate, to a world full of evil men and evil hearts? i agree with this statement: we can show our love for all mankind by disarming and encouraging all others to follow suit.


Monday, September 08, 2003

blitzkrieg bop is the theme of the dream.

in asia? what am i doing there? sparring with oversized weaponry... and then waiting in some sort of makeshift train station... and then deciding to "live life" and run through a maze of platforms (weaving between pens of various sorts for poulty and/or swine) in a race set to the ramones. the ramones? i don't even listen to that stuff in real life. only my subconscious could make this kind of stuff up.

so, you'll notice it has been a few days. my sleeping habits have become somewhat scary to me... i'm unable to roll myself out of bed until well into the afternoon, and even after i do it takes me several hours to truly wake. i am in dire need of a lamp and timer to plug into the socket by my bed. i figure if i can at least make this room bright in the morning, i can get up. eventually (after i've got my computer and such) i can make the equation more complex/complete.

i have started to decorate my room! i put up all 21 pages from my 'pretend family' project from 10th grade, as well as some band posters (no, really?!?!). things will not be anywhere close to feeling like 'home' until i build a loft and get situated in that manner. maybe if i can score a papa-san chair sometime soon, that would work nicely. i need somewhere to put my soapstone chess board... i'm thinking i might just leave room on my 'studio counter'. i should 'sink' some of the studio equipment into the table so i have a removeable surface i can store other stuff on. slowly, all the ideas are coming together. hopefully, the vision in my head will be complete somewhere around the time i can actually *afford* to set this up. yeah.

i dreamt about a prophet, as well. a special figure that God loved very much. very much, indeed. enough to keep them perpetually young. the prophet was sad, as the world around him did not care for 'things above'. God answered all of this man's prayers, and most of his prayers were for judgement to fall and for God to show himself to mankind. all of this narrated, it was very odd. and then, the scene unfolds to a post-apocalyptic world that has received the brunt of this man's prayers. people were afraid to even look in his direction, for fear that he may see some wrong in their hearts and pray God's wrath upon them. truly a strange (and scary) thought.

i need to register if i'm going to be taking german at the university... and register soon. i will talk to my mom tomorrow and find out what i need to know. maybe if i can even just meet up with a german speaking person who's willing to give me lessons... that would be cool, as well. we will see.

life without a car is horrible. i cannot go anywhere. if i had a bike, it would be half cool. but i do not have a bike. maybe tomorrow i will walk somewhere as a break to 'work'. i am looking forward to dewet visitting this week. he should be here on wednesday or thursday... i may wait to pick up the car until after he has been here. yeah, i think i'll just wait.

whether or not we live, a question we can ponder. does the news of our death affect those who never met us in the same manner that the news of our life does?


Thursday, September 04, 2003

on my way back from celldweller my transmission went out. repair/replacement will cost anywhere between $1300-$2500. i ended up taking the bus home from minneapolis... i'll have to head back down to pick my car up in a couple days.

the guy i rode next to on the bus was very kind and let me use his spare headphones to listen to minidiscs with him... depeche mode, evanescence, and coldplay before i stopped and briefly passed out. he was on his way to tacoma, washington, and didn't seem to have a clue as to how far away that was from here. a nice guy, i bet he's still on the bus as i type.

at the bus station before i left minneapolis, a black guy asked me if i had just been to a rave. i've still got my cornerstone bracelet on, he just made an assumption... i told him no, and that the bracelet was for cornerstone, a music festival in illinois. he asked me if they have 420 circles there (i *think* he said circles) and i assured him they don't, as it is a Christian festival. then again, i've smelt the smoke there before, so i'm sure it happens...

before the car officially died, i noticed that it was running very 'high' (as in 'not changing gears') on the freeway (i only brought it up to 45mph before i decided to give up). i pulled off into a really ghetto-y neighborhood and called nick and jaime. they came back to the exit i was near and attempted to escort me through back roads to jaime's place. after a couple miles we hit a stop light. when it turned green, i eased onto the gas and the car just revved. didn't move an inch, just *vroooom*. we pushed it across the non-busy intersection and put on the emergency flashers. a lady came out of her house and let us use a phone book so we could call a tow place. my insurance covers towing to the 'nearest repair shop', so that was groovy.

when i pulled into minneapolis, i dropped chad off at the place he was staying and just stuck around to chat for a short while. nick and jaime left at the same time i did so they could show me the way back to the freeway. when i turned on my car it sounded a little different... when i tried to put it in gear, the noises it made scared me half to death. i put it back in park and shut it off... checked the fluids, i was low on coolant and oil. topped everything off, but the car was still making noises when i turned it back on. dan (the guy chad is renting from) came out and took a look at the car. he told me he thought everything should be fine since it doesn't make any noises when it's in gear (only makes noise in park or neutral). we headed out, but i made sure to take things extra easy on my car.

the whole trip home from iowa was pretty boring. chad and i jammed out to nyposse stuff from my 1990-1997 mp3 cd, but ended partway through 1994. i got sick of driving behind nick and jaime since their car doesn't have cruise... nick can't keep a steady pace, so i always had to shut my cruise control off to slow down. i ended up pulling ahead and got behind a pack of cars doing close to 90mph. that leg of the trip passed by rather smooth! nick caught up about 30 minutes later, but assured me he didn't pass 80mph the entire time. *right*

spending the night at the hotel was... different. my throat hurt very much, and if it wasn't dry and hurting, i would wake up drooling and uncomfortable. the shower there was space-age, which was cool. sharing a shower between 4 people *isn't* cool, but since it was a space-age shower i'll make an exception at least this once.

steak and shake... a pretty groovy place. hung out with all the message board people, as well as autumn's descent and celldweller. spent most of my time joking around with chad, jimmy, becca, and nick. i do say, jimmy and becca have got to be one of the coolest couples ever. after we ate, it was goodbyes all around since we probably wouldn't see anyone in the morning...

celldweller rocked my socks, as did autumn's descent. it was cool to see/hear ash cover circle of dust's "telltale crime", and apparently klay enjoyed it as well. when klay/celldweller took the stage, you could literally feel the anticipation form the fans. the show was more than what most of us have expected! it will be very nice if a dvd is released with show footage.

we showed up for the show at 6:45 (which is when it was scheduled to start, doors opening at 6pm) but things hadn't quite gotten underway. some of the 'board members' were there and we got to meet up with them. it's always cool to meet people you recognize from online. oh yeah, prior to entering the venue we realized we can park for free in metered parking spaces... iowa city isn't metered on sundays (for future reference).

we spent saturday night at jimmy & becca's house about an hour south of iowa city. autumn's descent stayed there, as well as a couple people we knew from the message boards chad and i frequent. jimmy let us listen to some very rare stuff he's got, and we all nerded out most of the night. nick, chad, and i kept aramus and puzzleshift up most of the night with our incessant babbling and joking. i guess they found it entertaining.

wow, what a trip.


Thursday, August 28, 2003

nobody should ever need to search their heart to know it.

today i worked for several hours, but not enough. never enough. i still need to make rent and pay my cell phone bill. tomorrow will be a hellacious workday, as will the next. saturday morning i can work a tad, but i'll need to head out for celldweller.

i had a genius plan today to put up signs at the university advertising as babysitters for women over the age of 18. dusty got a kick out of it. i'm starting to feel wrong for even joking about it, like some pang of conscience that is telling me i've allowed for even the slightest bit of american perversion to sink into the fabric of who i am. now is the time for adjustments that make me better, stronger, faster. always is the time.

i picked up some bioténe and bactine for my lip piercings (got them april 1st, they just get better get worse get better get worse) and i think it's helping. they don't hurt, that's for sure. they bleed sometimes, though. is that a bad thing?

i got messages today on yahoo messenger from two people i don't know, one of which is a guy in detroit lakes (not far from me). school must be in session again. time for all the college kiddies to search for new friends in their towns, right? it's kind of scary. i don't want some random 22 year old guy messaging me all like "yo dude, let's chill sometime!" the girl i think i can handle... regardless of looks, seriously. but some random guy? freaky. if the guy was friends with the girl and she introduced me to him, different matter.

my cell phone bill is due shortly... i hate bills, but the cell phone is a necessity since i am barely ever home. if it reaches a point where i'm barely leaving, i would consider paying the early termination fee... but i don't think it will reach that point. even if i go off to india, i will probably let my mom use the phone while i'm gone and she can maintain the bill.

i'm late on my CC payment, which is definitely not a good thing. i need to find out who the credit officer is in minnesota and north dakota to figure out what i can do about my messed up dispute with the CC company. it's bogus, and it needs to end.

flying trousers, anti-pants. you can't keep them down, and you can't leap to fit. your best bet... is some smuckers raspberry preserves. at least it tastes good.


Tuesday, August 26, 2003

okay, it has been a while but i have an excuse. i have been on tour. yes, that is what previous messages implied. i didn't have computer/internet access during said tour, so no updates occurred. simple enough.

tour is over, and i have figured a lot out.

1) i will not be continuing with this band

2) i will never tour with anyone who wants to bring their toddler son with us

3) rest stops make a great place to sleep, especially out in the open

4) rockstar energy drink is the coolest freakin' drink ever, and made just for rockstars like me

5) i'm going to miss a lot of people. until next time.

so, this thursday or friday i need to break it to h that i won't be continuing with these guys. i don't mind filling in on bass, but i won't be pouring any creative effort into this music. it's not my style, and i cannot have any part of it while maintaining any form of trueness to myself.

i have bills now. lots of them. i need to work work work work work.

28th - the violet burning
29th - sidewalk slam
30th - leave for iowa city
31st - celldweller

so much in so little time. also, de wet is going to stay here the night of the 11th, which will be really cool. i need to score an acoustic guitar before then...


Friday, August 15, 2003

we played our first official show as the "tour" version of glow. went well. minor kinks.

so now i leave for a week.

lance says "you've got two weeks to get rid of this cable and switch to a wireless connection." i don't see how this affects him, considering he rarely comes downstairs (ie - rarely sees the cable running along the ground), and was the major PROPONENT to wired ethernet vs wireless. after all, we need 100btx for "lan parties", right? so wireless is a waste right? that is, until he decides he'll change his mind and tell me it's my responsibility to buy it.

says he won't let me wire the house. sounds to me like *someone* needs a little nap (always cures the temper tantrums).


Wednesday, August 13, 2003

i am an uncle (august 12th, actually... somewhere around 11:20pm cst). his name is johnathan. that is all i know.

h had deleted the files i needed, but we redigitized the tapes using a different (and possibly better, i'm still making that judgement) cassette tape deck. i'm really impressed with these transfers over the original transfers i did with a cheap portable cassette player and built-in sound on a laptop computer. h has *really* nice inputs on his computer, and coupled with the nice cassette tape deck... a mostly clean transfer with minimal noise (the exception being the tape noise, but that is unavoidable).

the tour starts this thursday. i think i'm as prepared as i can possibly be, i hope the other guys feel as good about this as i do. it's "crunch time", everyone is rushing right down to the wire.


Tuesday, August 12, 2003

i really really really really hope that h didn't delete the immortal & billy lamont demos we digitized on his computer... the cd he burnt for me *totally* doesn't work, so i need another burn... and if he can't burn me a new copy... then i'll have to settle for sub-par tape transfers the second time around. still, it will be better than what i had my first time.

what the heck is a nyquist prompt? this is my next big question in life. well, my next audio question, i guess. a NYQUIST prompt? WHO is nyquist? why does he have a prompt, and i still don't? what do i type at his prompt? can it be personal and unpolite?


Monday, August 11, 2003


i need to memorize that.

unke is snoring in the next room.

i was walked on today by someone who thinks i lack manners. must bite toungue.

practice went smooth, one more before tour.

laura is due, i will be an uncle in less than one day (the doctor will induce my sister if her son doesn't come out on his own). this is exciting!

time for bed, i guess.


Saturday, August 09, 2003

when i was younger, i chanced upon a peculiar book at the public library. it appeared to be geared towards a younger audience, but upon reading said book it was obvious that a more adult audience was intended. this book made me laugh in a way no other book has made me laugh since.

as i am sitting here, it comes back into my mind. so i do a google search. i come up with several links (mostly links to related pictures). i come up with links to amazon, where the book i read so many years ago is available USED for $50+ (paperback). WHAT?

insane, just insane. i will need to revisit the library and check that book out again... maybe even copy it, if i can't find a copy online.

looks like i might be able to get some related stuff on ebay for cheap. possibly.

dusty is home, guess i'll go chill for a while.


Friday, August 08, 2003

oh yes, and before i forget... tracy e-mailed me to let me know she's engaged, and will be getting married november 22nd. surprise, surprise! i'll try to convince nick to go to the wedding with me, it will be a good chance to see more of my friends in montana.

dad set me off today by forcing me into a one-sided conversation i didn't want to sit through.

setting phil off leads to silence. you can talk to me all you want, you're talking to a brick wall.

now i've got serious concerns about our father/son relationship, or lack thereof. well, i've always had concerns about it. it's complicated. we'll talk about it sometime soon.

'did lunch' with my mom and dad (instead of 'mom and brother') and it was awkward. very.


Thursday, August 07, 2003

Jesus Radicals - Library

read 'anarchy and christianity' by jacques ellul to better understand my political leanings. this book is out of print and very difficult to find. i'd suggest saving or printing the above webpage for posterity.

in 6.5 hours, i should be meeting my mom and brother for lunch. i have not slept yet. i wonder if i should?

practice went smooth wednesday night... one more before tour. recorded two bass lines for h to toy with.

after i got back, my brother called me asking if he could use my bass... i dropped it off where he was, and he introduced me to some (obviously drunk) guy nicknamed 'shady'. nice. anyhow, his friends had decided to jam and he needed an instrument and figured i'd still be awake. the rest, as they say, is the future. well, now it's history, but it was the future when i dropped the bass off.


Wednesday, August 06, 2003

using the new 'fast access' blogger interface. works nicely.

played poker tonight (it's becoming our tuesday night routine) and lost. all the odds are still getting hashed out by my brain. i played well initially, but kept alternating styles trying to get a better feel for how others play. won some big pots, lost some big pots... games with elements of chance are not really my lot, but math is. the truth is, i've got a better grasp on the math than anyone else at the table. more pride, too. can you tell?

but seriously, zero wrong in the math portion of my ACT.

wednesday there will be some playing of music at the church (don't know if i'll be playing bass or drums...) and i'll spend some time hanging out with my parents. it was *really* awkward being around them last weekend, i don't know what it was. hopefully things will be drastically different (read 'not awkward at all') this time around.

i am about to crash in a very serious sense, need sleep now.


Tuesday, August 05, 2003

i cannot remember the first time, nor the last, nor any time at all.
the mind draws blanks as an expert artist would...
that crafty mind of mine, using void to express
and using clean to congest.
how proud i am of you, you little man
imagine yourself tall again
nothing is always bigger when compared to nothing at all

this, the writing from a blank mind.


Monday, August 04, 2003

to seal the deal with non-compliance, tell me that it reflects upon my moral character. i will not tolerate someone else's "morals" bossing me around.

i will not forget you. today, you sent me some new music... i'm cherishing it, and hope that the credit won't travel from where it is due.

drums built of buckets... percussion, percussion, oh how i wish you were here. a guitar would be nice, as well.



Sunday, August 03, 2003

friday night i dreamt a lot. a loooooot. a small snipit for you:

i'm talking with my mom about marriage, and about how i don't think i want a traditional wedding. i tell her i want my wedding in the winter, and she says that i'd best make good friends with some people in norway (implying that they don't mind the snow and they'd gladly come to such a wedding). as we're walking, the ground we are traversing becomes covered in snow. we are walking along two sets of footprints, one was obviously a man's bare feet ('obvious' as in i just... well, just knew) and the other a woman's. soon, there is a third pair, a child's. then a fourth, maybe a teen's? then two sets of animal paw prints along with the whole lot. we reach a beach, and the snow gives way to very cold moist sand. there is a canoe tied to the short cliff face (of ten feet perhaps?). at first, i don't see the rope tethering the canoe to the cliff wall. i help my mom into the canoe, and attempt to push off into the freezing water. the rope pulls tight and the canoe bounces back. i fumble with the end tied to the cliff before i see that it is permanently fastened. the end tied to the canoe easily comes undone, and there is another rope inside the canoe for tieing the boat back up on the other side. i push off again, and the whole scene fades...

that wasn't the entire dream, just all i can remember at the moment. very surreal in the sense that i seriously feel like my common dreams are not. possibly the first time my mom has been in any of my dreams since... maybe since i was five and dreamt that monsters broke out of my intestines and attacked my parents while i lay helpless and dieing on my bed. if only they had listened to what i was saying, they would've run away from me and not died.

sounds very emo, i know. but it's not, and i really feel like i'm fading. time to let boring old phil take over.


Friday, August 01, 2003

some final tweaking (disabled windows devices i don't need like comm. 1 & 2, parallel port, floppy drive... disabled unused ide ports, etc) and the OS is responsive by 1 minute and 15 seconds.

remembers, 233mhz pentium w/mmx running windows 2000 professional. not too shabby. 256mb of ram helps, but it's obvious that the tweaks are the most helpful. by far.

let this be a lesson to all of us!

alright, boot time didn't improve by much (hdd stopped spinning at about 2 minutes, 15 seconds).

however, with mozilla firebird open, i'm currently using 57,980kbytes. that's not much at all. it would probably almost be bearable to run win2k on 32mb of physical memory with this kind of usage.

i am disappointed that i can't skip the freaking memory test at boot. i guess i didn't try hitting space of escape... POST is still about 30 seconds. lame.

let me test this one last time...

okay, i'm just going to clamp down on this while it's still fresh in my mind... ie, before i go to bed.

boot time after dumping unneeded services: 2 minutes, 20 seconds; 72mb of physical memory used following clean boot.

now i notice some inefficiences... that is, my computer's POST takes close to 35 seconds (turn off full memory check, check change boot order to exclude cd-rom and floppy). windows messenger is loading on boot (and takes 10,352kbytes of mem according to task manager), and two apps related to the graphics card. i'm ditching that 440kb atomic time clock app in favor of just looking at the dang clock next to my keyboard, turning off the windows time service, and removing the clock from my taskbar...

let's test with another boot and see how well we've done.

and yet another day draws to a close.

it's so dark in this room all day, unless i'm watching the clock close i don't know what time it is. so today, i slept in until something like 4pm. woke up, checked my voice mail and there were three messages from my parents. called my dad's cell, he and mom were still in GF, so i asked them to come over. they got here, i showed them the new place, then we went to village inn for a meal...

"the ultimate skillet", it was decently yummy. i could think of a few more ways to make it even more ultimate: more ham and eggs, less veggies. don't get me wrong, i love veggies, but that thing was caked with bell peppers and onions. CAKED. i ordered an "ultimate skillet", not a cake.

afterwards, we met up with my brother at branigans to watch a jazz ensemble, "jazz on tap". they were exceptionally tight, i applaud them for making enjoyable music. it's always nice to chill with my brother, but today i was a little on-edge, due to a funky dream last night.

~fade to dream~

i'm in some weird building that, for some reason, i remember as being "my highschool". my sister and i were dissatisfied with the arrangement of the buildings, so we pushed them around to fit our liking. after we had them all in place, i decided to hop back up the blocks along the gym walls to get to the exit at the top. halfway, i notice that the blocks/ledges are smaller than i remember them being, and don't think i can make it... so i turn around to go back down, relying upon the bars spanning the ceiling to keep my balance (i know i lost you, but try your best). i get back down, and end up in some grocery store where many of my family members and Christian friends are all shopping. everyone buys their food, and we sit down to eat in some kind of banquet room... and my dad says this prayer really loud, followed by other people saying prayers, in somewhat of an unspoken order. it gets to my brother's unspoken "turn", and he just says "i see how this is. you're all hoping this will help me turn 'Christian'. well screw that!" i remember feeling confused, totally and completely confused. i know he's not a Christian, and i don't have a clue how to minister to my brother... messed up dreams don't help, either. like, what the heck was up with the gymnasium? and the yelling coach (which i don't mention), my being afraid i'd get shot through the window (which i also didn't mention), and what the heck was so important that i wanted to go to that top exit?

dreams, dreams, dreams. sometimes they confuse me, other times they really just mess up my life.

oh yeah, today lance and i spent about two hours going through maybe seven or eight boxes of video cards... nearly 1,000 video cards total, just sorting them all out by brand/model. and now, to test and sell.

all of the tape decks are listed, i need to make the listings for the cd decks and some other audio equipment. a daunting task, but i'm getting much faster at it. it may be difficult to part with that nice technics cd deck... but better equipment exists! some day i will own my own nice cd deck. not today.

i just killed off a bunch of useless services on this computer, saving between 20 and 30mb of ram... should also take less time for the computer to boot, which is handy considering this is only a 233mhz pentium w/mmx. i'll have to time it and see how she does.

two weddings coming up... former roommate is getting married to a friend friday, and two friends of mine again on saturday. that is the fourth wedding this year, definitely a "year o' love". but you know what i always say when the woman talks to me about marriage... "how long until you aren't a figment of my imagination?"


Thursday, July 31, 2003

once again, the day draws near to a close. i just came to realize that my computer clock is well beyond 12 hours slow. how is this possible? it has lost over 12 hours in the last 3 days... i guess i'll just download something like tardis to keep it accurate.

had practice with "the band" today, things went very smooth. very. maybe two more practices until the tour begins, and i suspect that we'll have everything down solid.

skipped tardis and grabbed a utility called 'atomic clock sync' that was only like 480kb. it will only update once a day, but that's fine for me, as long as the time doesn't get way bonkers off.

russ got back to me, i'll try to call him on saturday. we're ditching out of the tour *just* before the stop in his town, which, as you may guess, totally sucks. oh well, i'll be going back to visit him on the 26th of august. at least then, i can stay a couple days and just... relax.

nate did a reeaaally rough demo track (just a guitar riff, basically) and h is asking for my input. it's a cool riff, really. and now, the creation process begins in me, and it tries to find a way to turn said riff into a song. this could take a while.

lance and i went to quiznos today to cash in on their deal again, and that neil employee was "off duty" and totally wasn't all like "yo dudes, what's up" when he saw us. i felt like a tool. a TOOL, i tell you. oh well, i think that was the last time we'll eat there anyhow... seeing as how tomorrow the "free sub" offer ends! bwahahaha! NOW WHO'S THE TOOL, NEIL?!?!

it is now 4:15am. i must sleep, so farewell it is.


Wednesday, July 30, 2003

ahh, the day wraps to a close. today i got some actual real genuine work done! i'm starting to get into the groove of things. tomorrow should be more productive, by far.

we played poker tonight. as always, it ended in argument as lance attempted to offer me pointers on my game. pointers are good and well when i ask for them, but "when i ask for them" is key. uninvited pointers are an invitation for me to rip the other party to shreds. hindsight is 20/20, we all know that... but hindsight for any game that combines skill with any degree of chance is mostly useless. toss in "uninvited" and guess what? i hate you.

so, the night went kind of rough.

talked with lisa for a while on messenger today. apparently she was attacked by a mentally retarded person she was working with a while back... gave her nightmares for a week! how do you approach a situation like that... from this distance i'm doing all i can, which is pray. i hope that guy can find his peace, and i hope lisa will find hers as well... it's a crappy thing that has happened, for sure...

speaking of lisa, i miss her much. not just because she's very attractive (and i'm somehow drawn to very attractive women... oh wait, most guys are!), but because she's such a great friend. one of the coolest things about dts was getting to know all these people that actually wanted to know you, as well... and they're all sincere! i love and miss them all... guys and girls alike.

the time for bed draws near. i need to install tardis or the like on this computer to keep the system clock accurate... it's soooo far off.


Tuesday, July 29, 2003

9:01am - alarm goes off
10:10am - mind acknowledges alarm
10:25am - body acknowledges mind
on the internet, nobody knows you're naked.

i just got done setting my workstation up. it's 4:41am. anyhow, tomorrow i can get some actual real genuine work done on this puppy, so i'm excited.

at the moment, i'm not feeling very tired... at 10am we're going to go to quiznos to cash in on that "free small sub with the purchase of a regular drink and chips" deal (yet again!). the employee that served us today (neil?) commented on how it was such a great deal and we should be eating there every day... and then, under his breath, "it's so expensive here..." alluding to the coupons being the only reason we were eating there. he's right! $2.44 for a full meal? now that's a steal!

we started burning copies of dvds today. drunken master, adaptation, and the message (the story of islam). the message is two-sided (approx. 3 hours long), so i need to find a way to squeeze that down to under 4.7gb. i can do it, i know i can!

more practice approaches this week... in the short term, here are my priorities:

1) work and make some freakin' rent!
2) get a hard case for my bass
3) build a bass amp

so, first and foremost... rent. gotta get in the swing of things here at the new place. must adjust quickly!

sleep, please be my friend...


Monday, July 28, 2003

blessed beyond the curse

life is good! my gas tank is almost empty, i have bills to pay, i'm years away from being where i want to be financially... but i'm right where i need to be spiritually.

when circumstance makes the divide between desires and reality more obvious, it is much easier for me to focus on what i have... and more specifically, what i can not lose. what is important becomes more evident, and ultimately, well, more important!

compassion/empathy vs. pity/sympathy. this is very clear to me right now. it has been difficult for me to truly grasp compassion, coming from a 'capitalist american' background. there are certain mindsets, certain concepts, that are just difficult for americans to understand. we are, generally speaking, very self-seeking/self-centric peoples, and the circumstance of others doesn't tend to affect us. i have been thinking a lot about society, and what would separate an advanced society from a devolved/backwards society. ultimatey, admirable characteristics must be the norm (generosity, politeness, tolerance, etc), and that 'norm' would ultimately be altruism.

as a Christian, altruism seems like it should be a solid building-block of who i am. we talk about the "body of Christ", servanthood, etc, etc... it is sad but true that in common Christianity there is not much at all that resembles altruism... in all actuality, most "Christian acts" are not unselfish one single bit in their motivation.

i cannot, as a Christian, be slow to adopt an attitude of caring and a lifestyle of sharing. and no, i didn't get that line from anyone.

Christ the King, and head of all things... make me a servant, as now i see the need. a steward, as i see the state of life fallen from grace. a disciple as i follow your ways. Christ the King, take your throne as king over me.


Sunday, July 27, 2003

Thurs. Nov 29, 2001:
on a separate side the scene solidifies, seven cycles colored in child's crayon. child run away home and pay no mind, but we stay fascinated: the blueprint for the end of the world. step one complete. a demon stares, his brow spanning the sky, his grin following the curve of the earth as it closes in, walls bending, collapsing, as holes seal, souls escaping as hell reels. a head is reared to force the next step of a stillborn vision: making a god of God's creation.

Sun. July 27, 2003:
for a second time the scene solidifies: commercial killings for capitalist kings. if not to take the money, the easier to make it. and here, an endorsement from a bold bald politician with bad breath and bad jokes, and the butt of all jokes the butt of a gun. imps declare their invincibility through their inexplicable ability to control a menagerie of infidelity. gaping wounds in gaping mouths: "do you like russian roulette?" she asks, "my boyfriend is the best." that's nice, but between the butt of all jokes and the butt of his gun... i see no clear winner, and no merit to rank.
i have just returned from practice with h. we tracked the bass lines for a couple of songs and ran through about 8 other songs for the upcoming mini-tour. it sounds like h is going to check into making the full tour instead of cutting the last 6 or 7 dates. he was able to book every single date (with our assistance, of course...) so it would very much be a shame if he can only make it to 4 of them.

we all take the good with the bad, it helps us to tell the difference. today i see up, and tomorrow i may see down again.

tomorrow i agreed to play bass at church. honestly, i would rather not play... but, i am commited to my church. not in that "i'll do anything they ask me to" sense, but in that "if it is beneficial to other people, yes" sense.

i have new ideas for music streaming in. i think i ride "highs" musically. it seems that every time i overcome an emotional hurdle, there's all this creativity on the other side. maybe this is why i was so musically prolific during dts? i *need* a small recorder w/mic. for the time being, my phone's "voice notes" feature will work... but in the long run, i'll need something i can just hit record on and play music into (instead of just humming).

tomorrow i would like to get my workstation set up so i can begin work here at the house. i need an income stream quickly! i think lance may be getting annoyed that i am not assisting him yet... as soon as i get that workstation set up, all those problems will go away!

i am daydreaming of india. the sights, the sounds, the smells. i miss you.


Saturday, July 26, 2003

for clarity:

i am not learning german because of the germans (to whom i affectionately refer to as 'my germans'). i am learning german because: 1) my parents and my youngest sister speak a bit of german, 2) everyone except my brother and i has spent some amount of time in germany, 3) my father was led to Christ my a german monk, 4) my youngest sister & my father were both stationed in germany when they were in the armed services, 5) my boss has hosted something like 5 or 6 german foreign exchange students, 6) german has rich church history & culture and i would like to visit sometime, 7) i don't know any foreign languages, but would like to learn! i think that's enough reasons for now. if you thought otherwise prior, i would hope you don't cling to the same belief now.

moving right along, post-january life has been a blur, but let's try to get up to speed!

when i got home, i slept a *lot*. i think josh c. was my first friend to get a hold of me to hang out (thank you VERY much josh, just chilling and showing you all my photo-picture-snaps was a great time). i quickly became dissatisfied with the way life outside of focussed ministry works, and withdrew quite a bit...

major landmarks... nothing ultra-spiritual. finished paying off my car in april, got my lower lip pierced twice more, went to chris & faith's wedding in montana, went to cornerstone, moved into a new house. all the while, i have been involved heavily in music ministry at my church, and have been semi-consistently practicing guitar, drums, and bass. sometime in june i began practicing bass with a band called 'glow as ember' for what would have been a 1.5 week tour in august. that recently partially fell through due to the frontman's daughter being born with a cleft lip and pallete.

but now the more spiritual matters. i spoke at my church upon my return and couldn't hold myself together very well. i very much miss my dts friends, and i think it is damaging. bear with me on this. i must admit that i began to feel 'indestructable', spiritually, during my dts. i felt that, as long as i was with these people, i would be headed in the right direction and couldn't turn astray. so, imagine what comes from being separated. i felt weak, i felt exposed, i felt... sick. you see where you stand when there aren't other people clouding the scenery, and i could clearly see where i stood. dependence upon other people instead of Christ, reliance on the group instead of God. harsh. so, i saw where i stood, and i saw where i needed to be. must start moving.

slow & steady wins the race, so slow & steady it has been. i still miss everyone very much, but not because of any 'weakness' without them... rather, i miss them because, over time, i had grown to love them in a way that only Christ could teach someone to love their brother or sister. i miss them because they're my family, and i hope for the day when i can see them again in perfection to come soon.

forcefully written #1:

i am addiction, chilling and frothing, taking the children away.
we will live to see another day upon this battlefield, in exactly the same way that you won't.
you must see by now, there is no way to win but to leave this plane,
and trade your weapons for an enmity for all enmities.
you cannot win, and you cannot see.
we will live to see another day upon this soulscape, in precisely the same way that you will not.
you must quicken, a lack of departure is a concession to loss.
but... i couldn't count on you to see...
the only way for you to win is to refuse to act like me.

that's all for now, folks.