Thursday, July 31, 2003

once again, the day draws near to a close. i just came to realize that my computer clock is well beyond 12 hours slow. how is this possible? it has lost over 12 hours in the last 3 days... i guess i'll just download something like tardis to keep it accurate.

had practice with "the band" today, things went very smooth. very. maybe two more practices until the tour begins, and i suspect that we'll have everything down solid.

skipped tardis and grabbed a utility called 'atomic clock sync' that was only like 480kb. it will only update once a day, but that's fine for me, as long as the time doesn't get way bonkers off.

russ got back to me, i'll try to call him on saturday. we're ditching out of the tour *just* before the stop in his town, which, as you may guess, totally sucks. oh well, i'll be going back to visit him on the 26th of august. at least then, i can stay a couple days and just... relax.

nate did a reeaaally rough demo track (just a guitar riff, basically) and h is asking for my input. it's a cool riff, really. and now, the creation process begins in me, and it tries to find a way to turn said riff into a song. this could take a while.

lance and i went to quiznos today to cash in on their deal again, and that neil employee was "off duty" and totally wasn't all like "yo dudes, what's up" when he saw us. i felt like a tool. a TOOL, i tell you. oh well, i think that was the last time we'll eat there anyhow... seeing as how tomorrow the "free sub" offer ends! bwahahaha! NOW WHO'S THE TOOL, NEIL?!?!

it is now 4:15am. i must sleep, so farewell it is.


Wednesday, July 30, 2003

ahh, the day wraps to a close. today i got some actual real genuine work done! i'm starting to get into the groove of things. tomorrow should be more productive, by far.

we played poker tonight. as always, it ended in argument as lance attempted to offer me pointers on my game. pointers are good and well when i ask for them, but "when i ask for them" is key. uninvited pointers are an invitation for me to rip the other party to shreds. hindsight is 20/20, we all know that... but hindsight for any game that combines skill with any degree of chance is mostly useless. toss in "uninvited" and guess what? i hate you.

so, the night went kind of rough.

talked with lisa for a while on messenger today. apparently she was attacked by a mentally retarded person she was working with a while back... gave her nightmares for a week! how do you approach a situation like that... from this distance i'm doing all i can, which is pray. i hope that guy can find his peace, and i hope lisa will find hers as well... it's a crappy thing that has happened, for sure...

speaking of lisa, i miss her much. not just because she's very attractive (and i'm somehow drawn to very attractive women... oh wait, most guys are!), but because she's such a great friend. one of the coolest things about dts was getting to know all these people that actually wanted to know you, as well... and they're all sincere! i love and miss them all... guys and girls alike.

the time for bed draws near. i need to install tardis or the like on this computer to keep the system clock accurate... it's soooo far off.


Tuesday, July 29, 2003

9:01am - alarm goes off
10:10am - mind acknowledges alarm
10:25am - body acknowledges mind
on the internet, nobody knows you're naked.

i just got done setting my workstation up. it's 4:41am. anyhow, tomorrow i can get some actual real genuine work done on this puppy, so i'm excited.

at the moment, i'm not feeling very tired... at 10am we're going to go to quiznos to cash in on that "free small sub with the purchase of a regular drink and chips" deal (yet again!). the employee that served us today (neil?) commented on how it was such a great deal and we should be eating there every day... and then, under his breath, "it's so expensive here..." alluding to the coupons being the only reason we were eating there. he's right! $2.44 for a full meal? now that's a steal!

we started burning copies of dvds today. drunken master, adaptation, and the message (the story of islam). the message is two-sided (approx. 3 hours long), so i need to find a way to squeeze that down to under 4.7gb. i can do it, i know i can!

more practice approaches this week... in the short term, here are my priorities:

1) work and make some freakin' rent!
2) get a hard case for my bass
3) build a bass amp

so, first and foremost... rent. gotta get in the swing of things here at the new place. must adjust quickly!

sleep, please be my friend...


Monday, July 28, 2003

blessed beyond the curse

life is good! my gas tank is almost empty, i have bills to pay, i'm years away from being where i want to be financially... but i'm right where i need to be spiritually.

when circumstance makes the divide between desires and reality more obvious, it is much easier for me to focus on what i have... and more specifically, what i can not lose. what is important becomes more evident, and ultimately, well, more important!

compassion/empathy vs. pity/sympathy. this is very clear to me right now. it has been difficult for me to truly grasp compassion, coming from a 'capitalist american' background. there are certain mindsets, certain concepts, that are just difficult for americans to understand. we are, generally speaking, very self-seeking/self-centric peoples, and the circumstance of others doesn't tend to affect us. i have been thinking a lot about society, and what would separate an advanced society from a devolved/backwards society. ultimatey, admirable characteristics must be the norm (generosity, politeness, tolerance, etc), and that 'norm' would ultimately be altruism.

as a Christian, altruism seems like it should be a solid building-block of who i am. we talk about the "body of Christ", servanthood, etc, etc... it is sad but true that in common Christianity there is not much at all that resembles altruism... in all actuality, most "Christian acts" are not unselfish one single bit in their motivation.

i cannot, as a Christian, be slow to adopt an attitude of caring and a lifestyle of sharing. and no, i didn't get that line from anyone.

Christ the King, and head of all things... make me a servant, as now i see the need. a steward, as i see the state of life fallen from grace. a disciple as i follow your ways. Christ the King, take your throne as king over me.


Sunday, July 27, 2003

Thurs. Nov 29, 2001:
on a separate side the scene solidifies, seven cycles colored in child's crayon. child run away home and pay no mind, but we stay fascinated: the blueprint for the end of the world. step one complete. a demon stares, his brow spanning the sky, his grin following the curve of the earth as it closes in, walls bending, collapsing, as holes seal, souls escaping as hell reels. a head is reared to force the next step of a stillborn vision: making a god of God's creation.

Sun. July 27, 2003:
for a second time the scene solidifies: commercial killings for capitalist kings. if not to take the money, the easier to make it. and here, an endorsement from a bold bald politician with bad breath and bad jokes, and the butt of all jokes the butt of a gun. imps declare their invincibility through their inexplicable ability to control a menagerie of infidelity. gaping wounds in gaping mouths: "do you like russian roulette?" she asks, "my boyfriend is the best." that's nice, but between the butt of all jokes and the butt of his gun... i see no clear winner, and no merit to rank.
i have just returned from practice with h. we tracked the bass lines for a couple of songs and ran through about 8 other songs for the upcoming mini-tour. it sounds like h is going to check into making the full tour instead of cutting the last 6 or 7 dates. he was able to book every single date (with our assistance, of course...) so it would very much be a shame if he can only make it to 4 of them.

we all take the good with the bad, it helps us to tell the difference. today i see up, and tomorrow i may see down again.

tomorrow i agreed to play bass at church. honestly, i would rather not play... but, i am commited to my church. not in that "i'll do anything they ask me to" sense, but in that "if it is beneficial to other people, yes" sense.

i have new ideas for music streaming in. i think i ride "highs" musically. it seems that every time i overcome an emotional hurdle, there's all this creativity on the other side. maybe this is why i was so musically prolific during dts? i *need* a small recorder w/mic. for the time being, my phone's "voice notes" feature will work... but in the long run, i'll need something i can just hit record on and play music into (instead of just humming).

tomorrow i would like to get my workstation set up so i can begin work here at the house. i need an income stream quickly! i think lance may be getting annoyed that i am not assisting him yet... as soon as i get that workstation set up, all those problems will go away!

i am daydreaming of india. the sights, the sounds, the smells. i miss you.


Saturday, July 26, 2003

for clarity:

i am not learning german because of the germans (to whom i affectionately refer to as 'my germans'). i am learning german because: 1) my parents and my youngest sister speak a bit of german, 2) everyone except my brother and i has spent some amount of time in germany, 3) my father was led to Christ my a german monk, 4) my youngest sister & my father were both stationed in germany when they were in the armed services, 5) my boss has hosted something like 5 or 6 german foreign exchange students, 6) german has rich church history & culture and i would like to visit sometime, 7) i don't know any foreign languages, but would like to learn! i think that's enough reasons for now. if you thought otherwise prior, i would hope you don't cling to the same belief now.

moving right along, post-january life has been a blur, but let's try to get up to speed!

when i got home, i slept a *lot*. i think josh c. was my first friend to get a hold of me to hang out (thank you VERY much josh, just chilling and showing you all my photo-picture-snaps was a great time). i quickly became dissatisfied with the way life outside of focussed ministry works, and withdrew quite a bit...

major landmarks... nothing ultra-spiritual. finished paying off my car in april, got my lower lip pierced twice more, went to chris & faith's wedding in montana, went to cornerstone, moved into a new house. all the while, i have been involved heavily in music ministry at my church, and have been semi-consistently practicing guitar, drums, and bass. sometime in june i began practicing bass with a band called 'glow as ember' for what would have been a 1.5 week tour in august. that recently partially fell through due to the frontman's daughter being born with a cleft lip and pallete.

but now the more spiritual matters. i spoke at my church upon my return and couldn't hold myself together very well. i very much miss my dts friends, and i think it is damaging. bear with me on this. i must admit that i began to feel 'indestructable', spiritually, during my dts. i felt that, as long as i was with these people, i would be headed in the right direction and couldn't turn astray. so, imagine what comes from being separated. i felt weak, i felt exposed, i felt... sick. you see where you stand when there aren't other people clouding the scenery, and i could clearly see where i stood. dependence upon other people instead of Christ, reliance on the group instead of God. harsh. so, i saw where i stood, and i saw where i needed to be. must start moving.

slow & steady wins the race, so slow & steady it has been. i still miss everyone very much, but not because of any 'weakness' without them... rather, i miss them because, over time, i had grown to love them in a way that only Christ could teach someone to love their brother or sister. i miss them because they're my family, and i hope for the day when i can see them again in perfection to come soon.

forcefully written #1:

i am addiction, chilling and frothing, taking the children away.
we will live to see another day upon this battlefield, in exactly the same way that you won't.
you must see by now, there is no way to win but to leave this plane,
and trade your weapons for an enmity for all enmities.
you cannot win, and you cannot see.
we will live to see another day upon this soulscape, in precisely the same way that you will not.
you must quicken, a lack of departure is a concession to loss.
but... i couldn't count on you to see...
the only way for you to win is to refuse to act like me.

that's all for now, folks.