Saturday, July 26, 2003

for clarity:

i am not learning german because of the germans (to whom i affectionately refer to as 'my germans'). i am learning german because: 1) my parents and my youngest sister speak a bit of german, 2) everyone except my brother and i has spent some amount of time in germany, 3) my father was led to Christ my a german monk, 4) my youngest sister & my father were both stationed in germany when they were in the armed services, 5) my boss has hosted something like 5 or 6 german foreign exchange students, 6) german has rich church history & culture and i would like to visit sometime, 7) i don't know any foreign languages, but would like to learn! i think that's enough reasons for now. if you thought otherwise prior, i would hope you don't cling to the same belief now.

moving right along, post-january life has been a blur, but let's try to get up to speed!

when i got home, i slept a *lot*. i think josh c. was my first friend to get a hold of me to hang out (thank you VERY much josh, just chilling and showing you all my photo-picture-snaps was a great time). i quickly became dissatisfied with the way life outside of focussed ministry works, and withdrew quite a bit...

major landmarks... nothing ultra-spiritual. finished paying off my car in april, got my lower lip pierced twice more, went to chris & faith's wedding in montana, went to cornerstone, moved into a new house. all the while, i have been involved heavily in music ministry at my church, and have been semi-consistently practicing guitar, drums, and bass. sometime in june i began practicing bass with a band called 'glow as ember' for what would have been a 1.5 week tour in august. that recently partially fell through due to the frontman's daughter being born with a cleft lip and pallete.

but now the more spiritual matters. i spoke at my church upon my return and couldn't hold myself together very well. i very much miss my dts friends, and i think it is damaging. bear with me on this. i must admit that i began to feel 'indestructable', spiritually, during my dts. i felt that, as long as i was with these people, i would be headed in the right direction and couldn't turn astray. so, imagine what comes from being separated. i felt weak, i felt exposed, i felt... sick. you see where you stand when there aren't other people clouding the scenery, and i could clearly see where i stood. dependence upon other people instead of Christ, reliance on the group instead of God. harsh. so, i saw where i stood, and i saw where i needed to be. must start moving.

slow & steady wins the race, so slow & steady it has been. i still miss everyone very much, but not because of any 'weakness' without them... rather, i miss them because, over time, i had grown to love them in a way that only Christ could teach someone to love their brother or sister. i miss them because they're my family, and i hope for the day when i can see them again in perfection to come soon.

forcefully written #1:

i am addiction, chilling and frothing, taking the children away.
we will live to see another day upon this battlefield, in exactly the same way that you won't.
you must see by now, there is no way to win but to leave this plane,
and trade your weapons for an enmity for all enmities.
you cannot win, and you cannot see.
we will live to see another day upon this soulscape, in precisely the same way that you will not.
you must quicken, a lack of departure is a concession to loss.
but... i couldn't count on you to see...
the only way for you to win is to refuse to act like me.

that's all for now, folks.

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