Thursday, August 28, 2003

nobody should ever need to search their heart to know it.

today i worked for several hours, but not enough. never enough. i still need to make rent and pay my cell phone bill. tomorrow will be a hellacious workday, as will the next. saturday morning i can work a tad, but i'll need to head out for celldweller.

i had a genius plan today to put up signs at the university advertising as babysitters for women over the age of 18. dusty got a kick out of it. i'm starting to feel wrong for even joking about it, like some pang of conscience that is telling me i've allowed for even the slightest bit of american perversion to sink into the fabric of who i am. now is the time for adjustments that make me better, stronger, faster. always is the time.

i picked up some bioténe and bactine for my lip piercings (got them april 1st, they just get better get worse get better get worse) and i think it's helping. they don't hurt, that's for sure. they bleed sometimes, though. is that a bad thing?

i got messages today on yahoo messenger from two people i don't know, one of which is a guy in detroit lakes (not far from me). school must be in session again. time for all the college kiddies to search for new friends in their towns, right? it's kind of scary. i don't want some random 22 year old guy messaging me all like "yo dude, let's chill sometime!" the girl i think i can handle... regardless of looks, seriously. but some random guy? freaky. if the guy was friends with the girl and she introduced me to him, different matter.

my cell phone bill is due shortly... i hate bills, but the cell phone is a necessity since i am barely ever home. if it reaches a point where i'm barely leaving, i would consider paying the early termination fee... but i don't think it will reach that point. even if i go off to india, i will probably let my mom use the phone while i'm gone and she can maintain the bill.

i'm late on my CC payment, which is definitely not a good thing. i need to find out who the credit officer is in minnesota and north dakota to figure out what i can do about my messed up dispute with the CC company. it's bogus, and it needs to end.

flying trousers, anti-pants. you can't keep them down, and you can't leap to fit. your best bet... is some smuckers raspberry preserves. at least it tastes good.


Tuesday, August 26, 2003

okay, it has been a while but i have an excuse. i have been on tour. yes, that is what previous messages implied. i didn't have computer/internet access during said tour, so no updates occurred. simple enough.

tour is over, and i have figured a lot out.

1) i will not be continuing with this band

2) i will never tour with anyone who wants to bring their toddler son with us

3) rest stops make a great place to sleep, especially out in the open

4) rockstar energy drink is the coolest freakin' drink ever, and made just for rockstars like me

5) i'm going to miss a lot of people. until next time.

so, this thursday or friday i need to break it to h that i won't be continuing with these guys. i don't mind filling in on bass, but i won't be pouring any creative effort into this music. it's not my style, and i cannot have any part of it while maintaining any form of trueness to myself.

i have bills now. lots of them. i need to work work work work work.

28th - the violet burning
29th - sidewalk slam
30th - leave for iowa city
31st - celldweller

so much in so little time. also, de wet is going to stay here the night of the 11th, which will be really cool. i need to score an acoustic guitar before then...


Friday, August 15, 2003

we played our first official show as the "tour" version of glow. went well. minor kinks.

so now i leave for a week.

lance says "you've got two weeks to get rid of this cable and switch to a wireless connection." i don't see how this affects him, considering he rarely comes downstairs (ie - rarely sees the cable running along the ground), and was the major PROPONENT to wired ethernet vs wireless. after all, we need 100btx for "lan parties", right? so wireless is a waste right? that is, until he decides he'll change his mind and tell me it's my responsibility to buy it.

says he won't let me wire the house. sounds to me like *someone* needs a little nap (always cures the temper tantrums).


Wednesday, August 13, 2003

i am an uncle (august 12th, actually... somewhere around 11:20pm cst). his name is johnathan. that is all i know.

h had deleted the files i needed, but we redigitized the tapes using a different (and possibly better, i'm still making that judgement) cassette tape deck. i'm really impressed with these transfers over the original transfers i did with a cheap portable cassette player and built-in sound on a laptop computer. h has *really* nice inputs on his computer, and coupled with the nice cassette tape deck... a mostly clean transfer with minimal noise (the exception being the tape noise, but that is unavoidable).

the tour starts this thursday. i think i'm as prepared as i can possibly be, i hope the other guys feel as good about this as i do. it's "crunch time", everyone is rushing right down to the wire.


Tuesday, August 12, 2003

i really really really really hope that h didn't delete the immortal & billy lamont demos we digitized on his computer... the cd he burnt for me *totally* doesn't work, so i need another burn... and if he can't burn me a new copy... then i'll have to settle for sub-par tape transfers the second time around. still, it will be better than what i had my first time.

what the heck is a nyquist prompt? this is my next big question in life. well, my next audio question, i guess. a NYQUIST prompt? WHO is nyquist? why does he have a prompt, and i still don't? what do i type at his prompt? can it be personal and unpolite?


Monday, August 11, 2003


i need to memorize that.

unke is snoring in the next room.

i was walked on today by someone who thinks i lack manners. must bite toungue.

practice went smooth, one more before tour.

laura is due, i will be an uncle in less than one day (the doctor will induce my sister if her son doesn't come out on his own). this is exciting!

time for bed, i guess.


Saturday, August 09, 2003

when i was younger, i chanced upon a peculiar book at the public library. it appeared to be geared towards a younger audience, but upon reading said book it was obvious that a more adult audience was intended. this book made me laugh in a way no other book has made me laugh since.

as i am sitting here, it comes back into my mind. so i do a google search. i come up with several links (mostly links to related pictures). i come up with links to amazon, where the book i read so many years ago is available USED for $50+ (paperback). WHAT?

insane, just insane. i will need to revisit the library and check that book out again... maybe even copy it, if i can't find a copy online.

looks like i might be able to get some related stuff on ebay for cheap. possibly.

dusty is home, guess i'll go chill for a while.


Friday, August 08, 2003

oh yes, and before i forget... tracy e-mailed me to let me know she's engaged, and will be getting married november 22nd. surprise, surprise! i'll try to convince nick to go to the wedding with me, it will be a good chance to see more of my friends in montana.

dad set me off today by forcing me into a one-sided conversation i didn't want to sit through.

setting phil off leads to silence. you can talk to me all you want, you're talking to a brick wall.

now i've got serious concerns about our father/son relationship, or lack thereof. well, i've always had concerns about it. it's complicated. we'll talk about it sometime soon.

'did lunch' with my mom and dad (instead of 'mom and brother') and it was awkward. very.


Thursday, August 07, 2003

Jesus Radicals - Library

read 'anarchy and christianity' by jacques ellul to better understand my political leanings. this book is out of print and very difficult to find. i'd suggest saving or printing the above webpage for posterity.

in 6.5 hours, i should be meeting my mom and brother for lunch. i have not slept yet. i wonder if i should?

practice went smooth wednesday night... one more before tour. recorded two bass lines for h to toy with.

after i got back, my brother called me asking if he could use my bass... i dropped it off where he was, and he introduced me to some (obviously drunk) guy nicknamed 'shady'. nice. anyhow, his friends had decided to jam and he needed an instrument and figured i'd still be awake. the rest, as they say, is the future. well, now it's history, but it was the future when i dropped the bass off.


Wednesday, August 06, 2003

using the new 'fast access' blogger interface. works nicely.

played poker tonight (it's becoming our tuesday night routine) and lost. all the odds are still getting hashed out by my brain. i played well initially, but kept alternating styles trying to get a better feel for how others play. won some big pots, lost some big pots... games with elements of chance are not really my lot, but math is. the truth is, i've got a better grasp on the math than anyone else at the table. more pride, too. can you tell?

but seriously, zero wrong in the math portion of my ACT.

wednesday there will be some playing of music at the church (don't know if i'll be playing bass or drums...) and i'll spend some time hanging out with my parents. it was *really* awkward being around them last weekend, i don't know what it was. hopefully things will be drastically different (read 'not awkward at all') this time around.

i am about to crash in a very serious sense, need sleep now.


Tuesday, August 05, 2003

i cannot remember the first time, nor the last, nor any time at all.
the mind draws blanks as an expert artist would...
that crafty mind of mine, using void to express
and using clean to congest.
how proud i am of you, you little man
imagine yourself tall again
nothing is always bigger when compared to nothing at all

this, the writing from a blank mind.


Monday, August 04, 2003

to seal the deal with non-compliance, tell me that it reflects upon my moral character. i will not tolerate someone else's "morals" bossing me around.

i will not forget you. today, you sent me some new music... i'm cherishing it, and hope that the credit won't travel from where it is due.

drums built of buckets... percussion, percussion, oh how i wish you were here. a guitar would be nice, as well.



Sunday, August 03, 2003

friday night i dreamt a lot. a loooooot. a small snipit for you:

i'm talking with my mom about marriage, and about how i don't think i want a traditional wedding. i tell her i want my wedding in the winter, and she says that i'd best make good friends with some people in norway (implying that they don't mind the snow and they'd gladly come to such a wedding). as we're walking, the ground we are traversing becomes covered in snow. we are walking along two sets of footprints, one was obviously a man's bare feet ('obvious' as in i just... well, just knew) and the other a woman's. soon, there is a third pair, a child's. then a fourth, maybe a teen's? then two sets of animal paw prints along with the whole lot. we reach a beach, and the snow gives way to very cold moist sand. there is a canoe tied to the short cliff face (of ten feet perhaps?). at first, i don't see the rope tethering the canoe to the cliff wall. i help my mom into the canoe, and attempt to push off into the freezing water. the rope pulls tight and the canoe bounces back. i fumble with the end tied to the cliff before i see that it is permanently fastened. the end tied to the canoe easily comes undone, and there is another rope inside the canoe for tieing the boat back up on the other side. i push off again, and the whole scene fades...

that wasn't the entire dream, just all i can remember at the moment. very surreal in the sense that i seriously feel like my common dreams are not. possibly the first time my mom has been in any of my dreams since... maybe since i was five and dreamt that monsters broke out of my intestines and attacked my parents while i lay helpless and dieing on my bed. if only they had listened to what i was saying, they would've run away from me and not died.

sounds very emo, i know. but it's not, and i really feel like i'm fading. time to let boring old phil take over.


Friday, August 01, 2003

some final tweaking (disabled windows devices i don't need like comm. 1 & 2, parallel port, floppy drive... disabled unused ide ports, etc) and the OS is responsive by 1 minute and 15 seconds.

remembers, 233mhz pentium w/mmx running windows 2000 professional. not too shabby. 256mb of ram helps, but it's obvious that the tweaks are the most helpful. by far.

let this be a lesson to all of us!

alright, boot time didn't improve by much (hdd stopped spinning at about 2 minutes, 15 seconds).

however, with mozilla firebird open, i'm currently using 57,980kbytes. that's not much at all. it would probably almost be bearable to run win2k on 32mb of physical memory with this kind of usage.

i am disappointed that i can't skip the freaking memory test at boot. i guess i didn't try hitting space of escape... POST is still about 30 seconds. lame.

let me test this one last time...

okay, i'm just going to clamp down on this while it's still fresh in my mind... ie, before i go to bed.

boot time after dumping unneeded services: 2 minutes, 20 seconds; 72mb of physical memory used following clean boot.

now i notice some inefficiences... that is, my computer's POST takes close to 35 seconds (turn off full memory check, check change boot order to exclude cd-rom and floppy). windows messenger is loading on boot (and takes 10,352kbytes of mem according to task manager), and two apps related to the graphics card. i'm ditching that 440kb atomic time clock app in favor of just looking at the dang clock next to my keyboard, turning off the windows time service, and removing the clock from my taskbar...

let's test with another boot and see how well we've done.

and yet another day draws to a close.

it's so dark in this room all day, unless i'm watching the clock close i don't know what time it is. so today, i slept in until something like 4pm. woke up, checked my voice mail and there were three messages from my parents. called my dad's cell, he and mom were still in GF, so i asked them to come over. they got here, i showed them the new place, then we went to village inn for a meal...

"the ultimate skillet", it was decently yummy. i could think of a few more ways to make it even more ultimate: more ham and eggs, less veggies. don't get me wrong, i love veggies, but that thing was caked with bell peppers and onions. CAKED. i ordered an "ultimate skillet", not a cake.

afterwards, we met up with my brother at branigans to watch a jazz ensemble, "jazz on tap". they were exceptionally tight, i applaud them for making enjoyable music. it's always nice to chill with my brother, but today i was a little on-edge, due to a funky dream last night.

~fade to dream~

i'm in some weird building that, for some reason, i remember as being "my highschool". my sister and i were dissatisfied with the arrangement of the buildings, so we pushed them around to fit our liking. after we had them all in place, i decided to hop back up the blocks along the gym walls to get to the exit at the top. halfway, i notice that the blocks/ledges are smaller than i remember them being, and don't think i can make it... so i turn around to go back down, relying upon the bars spanning the ceiling to keep my balance (i know i lost you, but try your best). i get back down, and end up in some grocery store where many of my family members and Christian friends are all shopping. everyone buys their food, and we sit down to eat in some kind of banquet room... and my dad says this prayer really loud, followed by other people saying prayers, in somewhat of an unspoken order. it gets to my brother's unspoken "turn", and he just says "i see how this is. you're all hoping this will help me turn 'Christian'. well screw that!" i remember feeling confused, totally and completely confused. i know he's not a Christian, and i don't have a clue how to minister to my brother... messed up dreams don't help, either. like, what the heck was up with the gymnasium? and the yelling coach (which i don't mention), my being afraid i'd get shot through the window (which i also didn't mention), and what the heck was so important that i wanted to go to that top exit?

dreams, dreams, dreams. sometimes they confuse me, other times they really just mess up my life.

oh yeah, today lance and i spent about two hours going through maybe seven or eight boxes of video cards... nearly 1,000 video cards total, just sorting them all out by brand/model. and now, to test and sell.

all of the tape decks are listed, i need to make the listings for the cd decks and some other audio equipment. a daunting task, but i'm getting much faster at it. it may be difficult to part with that nice technics cd deck... but better equipment exists! some day i will own my own nice cd deck. not today.

i just killed off a bunch of useless services on this computer, saving between 20 and 30mb of ram... should also take less time for the computer to boot, which is handy considering this is only a 233mhz pentium w/mmx. i'll have to time it and see how she does.

two weddings coming up... former roommate is getting married to a friend friday, and two friends of mine again on saturday. that is the fourth wedding this year, definitely a "year o' love". but you know what i always say when the woman talks to me about marriage... "how long until you aren't a figment of my imagination?"