Saturday, October 25, 2003

hoping for e-mail from mickey tonight.

tracy will be at church tomorrow, likely. as will her fiancé, russ. i'm drumming. i tuned the kit today, or rather tried. i think it's tuned.

josh seems to be angry at me. i can't figure out why, exactly.

this weekend is so far from over, it almost hurts. i wish time could pass much faster. much, much faster. i'm figuring i'll be working for another 7 months before i'm out of debt. of course, that number will decrease if i pick up extra work... but i'm worried about getting burnt out. i've finally sat down and figured out all my finances, that really sobers a guy up to reality. all in one fell swoop, i'm concerned about eliminating my debt, saving for dowry, AND figuring out whether i'll save to buy a house or have one built.

talked to darick alexander last night, he's at san antonio air force base or somesuch for training to be a fire fighter. he's been going through some rough times, but he sounds like he's pulling through in a really amazing way. it sounds retarded, but i'm really proud of him and glad to be his friend. we had a long conversation. a really long conversation. it was great stuff.

thinking about it, i would opt for more brokeness if it meant more growth. yeah, i'd trade clinging to my pride in for clinging to Christ.

i need more iced tea... and then, back to work for me. i began digitizing my parallel transcription of the gospels thursday. this will take a while, but probably not as long as writing out long-hand was taking.


Wednesday, October 22, 2003

saying nothing is the same as lieing.


Tuesday, October 21, 2003

got e-mail from mickey shortly after my last post. she was just as confused about what i was asking as i was confused leading to the asking. odd.

it was her birthday on sunday, i called around 8:30, but she was out for her birthday party. i called at 9:30 and got her, talked for about 5 minutes. just wanted to wish her a happy birthday and such.

Mein Deutsch ist sehr schlecht. my spelling is horrible, all in all i'm just disappointed with my current level of knowledge given the time i've had to study. i've missed 5 days of german class since i last went. time to get on the ball, i've got to force myself to go tomorrow... not that i dislike going, it's just been difficult for me to make it as of late.

speaking of difficulties, my back was giving me problems sunday night and monday. suck. i'm 22, i shouldn't have to worry about my back.

reflection contrition
we saw the state of ourselves
and we saw the state of approval
and the gap between
we saw the wings to fly on
but we could not see it all
and we could not see at all
ourselves blind
ourselves we bind
reflection contrition
through swelled eyes we will not see
this is not
this will not
this is not the means
flowing from me is flowing free
reflection contrition
with swelled eyes i cannot see
but to know there are eyes
looking down upon this
this is my need
to see without seeing
to see set free

good night.


Saturday, October 18, 2003


so, my trip to montana last weekend. i'm sure you're wondering. i left at 4am, arrived at 7:30 (6:30 mountain time).

along the way, here's what came to me... seemingly, God really just can't win with man. He creates one thing to make one man happy, and it makes a second man sad. to complicate matters, the joy God brings to the first man may not even be credited to him, so what's the use? without fail, the sun will rise, and without fail man will say "nature". so, God must not be a joyous God, he must be rather sad. and to make it worse, His 'bride', His church... what an ugly bride it seems to be, but the only one that would love Him in return. such a beautiful Christ, why not a more beautiful bride? yes, God must be a sad God.

i pretty much didn't talk to mickey all weekend... i really picked up the impression that she didn't have any desire to talk to me. we had one discussion friday night about native americans, and i tried to explain how reservations work... touched briefly on ministry to native americans. sunday night, before she went to bed, she came down to where jason and i were to let us know it would be our last chance to say goodbye before she headed to bed. it was a rather nice feeling, her standing between us, with her arm around my back and my arm around her shoulder. i pulled her aside to tell her i was sorry for not having talked to her much all weekend, and explained my impression. she assured me that was not the case at all, and she would've talked with me more had she not been so busy (those SoDers... sooo very busy, and i'm not even joking), and then she threw the curve ball... "you don't know how much i think of you."

what is that supposed to mean? to confuse me further, she stared straight into my eyes for what seemed like eternity... but was probably more like 30 seconds. should i think she likes me? should i think she's just trying to send a strong message to a friend that he "just had the wrong impression"? i feel like i should be intelligent enough to not be stumped by this... but that's just not the case.

so what do i do? i e-mail her once i get home, asking her to demystify the situation so i don't get any wrong ideas. what a sucker i am. no response yet. she told me she loves getting e-mail, so i would hope she'd respond within the week. no response by sunday, and i think i may have reason to begin panicking.

i ended up leaving the base monday morning around 8. i got home around 11:30 (12:30 central standard time), so my return trip was about the same length. already back in the swing of work, but i missed my german classes all week. i need to do some serious catching up this weekend. we'll see how it goes. i may end up calling the base to talk to mickey if this german stuff confuses me. that would be a valid reason, i think. i hope.

confusion perversion


Wednesday, October 15, 2003

ten days, sorry. i took a trip to montana to visit some of the friends i made during dts. it was a blast, and i learned a lot about the church as the bride of Christ on the way there... funny how that works.

i don't have time to write details right now, but i will at least say this until that time comes... mickey confuses me, but hopefully everything will be cleared up within the week. also, i was praying on my way home and for about an hour i didn't understand a single word i said... but it was pretty awesome.

jason gave me a cd with some great music on it, check out kevin prosch when you've got the time.


Sunday, October 05, 2003

sent out a prayer for our brothers and sisters in the Catholic church today, that the shortage of priests would end. all this just because i attended Catholic mass with dusty.

rocking out to dj shadow right now, i love this cd. i think it's been almost a year since i bought it...

after church, my mom and i drove off to itasca state park for lunch at douglas lodge (today was their last day open for the season) and got there just in time. we walked for a while, then i went back to the car to study german as she continued walking. when she got back, we were both surprised to find that the only other people parked in the parking lot were none other than gary and bonnie gilbertson, and jan jensen and a woman from kenya were with them. quite the coincidence!

bonnie showed us pictures (as always) of all their kids (my friends, of course). i guess dan is living in montana, so i got his number so i can call him up before i head out there this friday. sarah has become quite the good looking young lady. saw pictures of ben's wife for the first time, a nice "couple" shot with ben & nate plus wives. pretty groovy.

anyhow... i'm excited for friday. i wonder what time i'll get there? i'll be sure to get good sleep. my stomach was almost knotting up just because of mickey. i don't know what to think or expect. it's scary.


Friday, October 03, 2003

it has been many moons, but i have an excuse. saturday evening, lance kicked me out of the house. yes, you heard me right. just handed me a letter (yes, a letter) saying he wanted me to move out. now.

so, i moved, and i've been busy as heck getting my bearings and landing on my feet. the work situation as far as work with lance goes will be iffy until i can get a feel for what the heck is actually going on. nobody (namely dusty) will talk about what's going on, even though they know it. i'm especially surprised that dusty won't, which leads me to believe that he knew what was coming. if this surprised him, he would definitely be talking with me about it. i joked about what i would do know regarding the biking situation, since we biked almost every night and i enjoyed that... he seemed more interested in letting the topic slide then joking it up with me.

admittedly, the whole situation confuses me. a letter? of all things, a letter telling me to move out. a letter. somehow, he avoided ever mentioning having a problem, and then resorts to a letter telling me to move out instead of addressing me directly to my face. who am i to question his authority, right? it's not like i can hold him to the fact that he promised never to do anything like that as a condition to my moving in. after all, that's only a 'verbal contract', something that only has worth to people that are friends, right?

i'm slightly bitter, because moving was such a pain in the butt inconvenience. and because this whole thing is really retarded. sigh, all will be clear within the coming weeks.

for now, i'm back on the couch at my parent's house. nick johnson has offered for me to move in with him, rent would be $180/month. maybe, just maybe... but maybe not, as well. that's an extra $180/month i can use to eliminate my debt, right? i'm anxious to get back into a financial standing that allows me plenty of freedom. i would like to get to work setting up my studio, i would like to focus on powerbox, and there are countless other things that really do require me to be out of debt before i can tackle them. (ie - i cannot tackle women until i am out of debt, right?)

we know what we do
we know why we've come to do it
we know who it hurts
but knowledge never serves, it steals